It has been a month since I fed the life line of passion that has been fueling and consuming my womanly spirit for over a year. I can’t tell yet if it is too early to reflect on this, as my heart still hurts from feeling neglected and unloved, and my ego is still purple and yellow from all the ways I have pressed on my wounds to ensure that they are real, and my lust still yearns, from the deepest curves and hollows of my woman, to be filled by his man knowing full well I’d instantly forgive him if he were to present himself in this very moment. Damn him.
So, perhaps it is still too soon to tell if I should make any conclusion of this mini voyage I just returned from, so fresh off the Love Boat. And yet, it is with urgency that I write this so I don’t forget any details of the spontaneous ways we would entertain each other (or truth be told, that I entertained him), or even the long periods of time I would sleep next to my phone patiently waiting for it to light up with just one wave from him…my spirit animal, keeper of my woman, my man to my “wo”, Him! Who will open me up and free me…or just text “Hi”, anything.
He appeared out of the blue like magic, direct messaging me on one of the few social media outlets I express myself on. Appropriately, I bestowed to him the endearment “Magic Man” or “Magic” of which I will continue to refer to him as. Originally, Magic inquired to work together on a visual art project where I would be his muse. Feeling an immediate and curious energy in his every word, I quickly Google searched his name, as most people do these days, to see what sort of work he did, unaware of who he was and his current success. It turns out Magic Man is quite esteemed in his art and craft, and not slowing down any time soon. The opportunity to create something with his level of talent and recognition was an exciting honor.
It took but a heart beat to feel our mutual attraction, and soon I was divulging all of my life motivations, super grand ideas, endless optimism towards humanity, and above all, my open beliefs about sexuality, women, and men. Magic’s particular project that he invited me to muse in was meant to present a strong sexual woman, sort of shameless and unafraid of it. I felt like an eager student in class, hand erected high above others “Me me me, I’ll do it! Yes indeed, I am all of those things, you’ll see.” That he called to me at my ripe age of 37 (at the time) inspired me to dig into my woman, pull her out of me and show him everything. And I did. I did for over a year.
What the fuck does that mean, “I showed him everything?” Like…everything? Basically, I did show him everything I could think to show him.
“So what? Like you peed and poo’d on camera?” Poo, gross, never! Not our thing. But pee for each other we did often, indeed, that was one of the few visual teasers I received back from him. Magic liquid gold. Yum, I drank it up….over the phone, of course.
It can NOT be forgotten for a moment that 99.99% of this entire years interaction was done on my IPhone. My woman lived in the pocket of his pants. Every time he told me to get naked I stopped what I was doing and found an opportune place within seconds of his request, and I would drop trou’, bend over and spread, pull up and off, whatever needed to be done to show him all of my lady bits. It came easily and naturally for me to reveal myself to him. I grew in love with the playful, adventurous person I felt when fueled by Magic. Our connection didn’t stop with our sexual friskiness. We spoke excitedly about our ideas on art and community, and more so, the similar ways we process life, process art, process love, and respect the process. It was THAT that I desired to express myself to him, do something different with a man, feel him in a different sort of way, by sharing all of my process in the rawest, most organic way that I could muster. I knew already, living in different cities only close by air, that I would never be able to want him around all of the time, would never think to imagine being in his every day existence, which I remarkably did not do in the time that I spent pining for him.
I imagined that we were that rare connection when energy meets it’s true match and magic is created. That we were made up of moments filled with brilliant truths and beauty… on my phone, on this fucking phone that illuminated everything I wanted to believe in wholeheartedly. My phone became him, this precious thing I would love and feed, and feed, and feed, so that he, it, would grow to love me.
Did it? Did it love me, did you love me, Magic? Sometimes. Sometimes just when the static silence pierced like micro needles injecting self doubt and hopelessness into my spirit, a single line from Magic Man would appear like words from God, and it would part the clouds and shed warm light into my dark places. I would be lifted to the point of flight, and with this electricity between us I was compelled to be creative, produce any sort of random thing every day to have something to show for this precious space we shared. My process became my everything and it was all I could do to keep myself from throwing it all at his feet.
My shares were like dares to myself. How far am I willing to go? Is there a limit to which I will reveal myself? Aware of his exposure to the rich and famous, and the wealth of talent he has at his finger tips, I dared to be as natural and real as I could, not hiding my imperfections or always submitting perfectly filtered images of myself. I vowed to be authentic so that some day when we meet I would be exactly as I presented myself, but better.
Looking back, Magic shared very little with me. For every 50 images or videos I sent to him, I received one. I never expect anyone to be as wordy as I am, but in truth, I did most of the talking. It was through his validations of my heart and mind that I felt I knew him. He told me he loved my mind and how I think, that I am the closest he has found to how he thinks. *melt* With those words alone I was in his clutches. That would remain to be the best thing any man has ever told me. He would deliver accolades that would confirm our likeness but not really tell me much about him. In reality, my birds eye view was not much different than any other Instagram follower of his. I was able to rationalize this obvious fact even when lengths of silence would drive me down a rabbit hole of Google searching more about his life exposing the family he is committed to and the history of his success. I would find myself in moral conflict over whether to continue interaction with him knowing that I am his phone mistress, simultaneously wondering what that means about me. *cringe
There were rounds of moralizing over the fact that I was a secret in his life (or a magical little treasure in some rationalizing), whereas he was not a secret in my life. Part of me felt convinced that as long as I am being true to myself on my end, I shouldn’t feel morally wrong, that what is happening on his end is none of my business. I was well into an open-end[ing] marriage, self discovery, my art, and learning to have a healthy mom-self balance when Magic Man sniffed me out. There’s a shitty feeling that comes with being someone’s mistress (basically a secret lover), and it’s simply that I felt disposable. My partner pointed out once after a night where I confessed my love for Magic Man and all the wonderful, glorious ways I have been exploring and feeling, that while he genuinely felt happy for me I’m just “extra”, not a factor in Magic’s life. I beat myself up a bit about the fact that I knew I could be knocked out by Magic’s silence at any given moment, that I was setting myself up to be the loser in this. But still, this space had what I wanted…to be anything.
The .01% of time that was not spent on my IPhone with Magic was the one hour that I spent with him when I visited his studio. I bought a plane ticket and waited around all day in a city I didn’t know, wandering in and out of shops enjoying that no one knew me, feeling a little mischievous and hungry for what I had waiting for me. I arrived mid morning with plenty of time to enjoy watching a man search for treasures in the sand at the beach with the use of a handy metal detector. Aside from worrying about my phone staying charged I felt free and invigorated there. At last, in the late afternoon, Magic invited me to visit his studio where he warned I would be met by his crew. While I was slightly disappointed that I wouldn’t be able to reach out and feel his body with wild abandon, I was content in knowing I would be breathing in his air.
And then he was there, approaching me from the other side of a gate. He never said my name. In fact, I’ve never heard Magic say, text, or mutter my name the entire time I’ve known him. In this moment, that didn’t matter at all. His eyes glowed behind all the whiskers on his face, and even though he held an air of bold confidence, there was a subtle shyness in those eyes that made me want to kiss the lids of them (and then lick them). The playful woman in me was certainly ignited by the vibration in our air. With people around I spent much of my time trying not to touch him. I wasn’t able to make the eye contact I so desired for fear of being so obviously smitten by him around his creative team. Instead, I watched Magic’s hands, their every gesture, how they lifted small objects, how they fingered different surfaces, how they sent waves of electricity through every vein in my back when one would guide me through his space. His beard smelled like my best girlfriend and wood fire, which made me feel warm immediately. Had I known this was going to be the first and last time I would see him, I would have climbed him like a tree and then grabbed that beard by it’s thickest tuft, and I’d slap his face hard and kiss and nibble through his whiskers, then leave a bite on his chin identical to the one he has taken out of my heart.
I don’t want to go on to do the thing of finding ways to hate my Magic Man. I don’t want to start peeling open every little interaction and find myself crying mad and embarrassed at myself for sharing these moments with him. I wanted to do it. I wanted to tell my phone lover everything. I wanted to tell him stories and make him laugh. I wanted to explore the kind of natural woman I am and show her to him. I shared with him a week I spent in my own menstrual flow, refraining from all modern day feminine care products just to feel my bleed. And then took self portraits of my bloody kitten covered in wild flowers, and captured the tender moment on video when I sat up after my pussy had filled with her own blood and poured out into a puddle onto my living room floor. And when I sent that to him with abandon I wondered if that was too far? And it never was. So I kept digging and digging deep into my woman, coaxing her to expose all her desires, all her fears, all her urges with Magic as the reason to come out. But I see I did it for me, I did it all for me. He gave me nothing but I gave myself my woman. Magic.